Going Against The Grain vs. Going With What You Know

This morning I woke up to a familiar setting. I woke up alone. I woke up wondering what the guy that I wake up to would look like, smell like, feel like, sound like. You can't knock a brother for dreaming because right now that's all I have. Right now while most of my friends are beginning to learn their new boyfriends out how many that they've dated. I'm struggling to get dude across the room to notice me. I will say right now the biggest flaw in selecting who I choose to talk to has been that I always find out that they are taken and in relationships or "I'm not looking right now"

I never was the kind of guy to have a "type" of dude I wanted to be with when I first started becoming sexually active. I for some reason knew what kind of girls I liked when I was dating women, which I find ironic enough. I just knew that if it was a man and he was attractive and the sparks were there then I wanted him. Of course, people change and I asked this guy that I haven't seen in a long time this question "What happened between you and me that it didn't work?" and quite simply without hesitation he said "You're not my type" and I began to ask him what his type was and he laid out what he had to look like, act like, feel like, everything from his sexual role in bed to how many inches and how fat the booty had to be and he just laid it out there. I was quite surprised that we even dated because I possessed maybe 2 of the qualities if even that. He said that he went against everything to see if we can work but he could not get past my imperfections. Of course, I felt some type of way about this inside but what the hell am I going to do, I asked right? He did say this, He said that "...if I am going to find someone to be with then I can't go simply on what looks good at the moment and that I need to map out what kind of guys I am into" I thought this was quite dumb to be honest because I never had a type, I know what looks sexy, what looks good and what feels good however, what looks good, feels good, smells good isn't built to last. Basically what he saying was for me to "raise my standards a bit higher" . I met him when I was 23 and he was 24. He is now 28 and I am 2_ and I have to report that he is in fact still single.


In between the time of speaking with him and and finding out his current relationship status, I actually did raise the bar on what kind of guys could talk to me. At the time I was as mentioned in a previous blog going through my "cute phase" where my skin was clear and glowing, my haircut was always on point, nails and feet were always done and I was the thinnest and in the best I had been ever in my life so of course because I look, if I'm going to be seen at the same table as you at a restaurant you need to be looking dapper done or funky fresh dressed to impress ready to party. I was in the gym working on my physique and let me tell you, I was all about Hydroxycut to keep the fat down and CytoGainer to bulk my muscles up. I wanted to attract as many dudes to me as possible and so I did! (Aooow with the index finger on the booty). I have to say during this time in my life, I had the best sex of my life, I could've gotten anywhere, anytime and with anyone and it wasn't a problem because I had it like that. I was not looking to be Mister McFreak down but I wasn't going to pass up a hot time with a hot dude. Admittingly, I'm glad I did it then because I'm sure seeing that action today. When that phase began to wane I met a guy who was decent, attractive, nice toned body but I will say we bumped heads more times a pair of rams. He was arrogant and I'm more down to the earth, his social clique revolves around the Upper West Side snooty ex-NYU/Columbia students and my social clique revolves around people that like to kick back relax and let it all hang out or as its sometimes referred to as Below 14th street and above 145th street crowd. He liked tofu, I liked simple food. He hated everything I did and everything about what I did, how I did it, where I did, I mean he hated everything. The only time we got along as we further continued to date each other was when we were both silent. I sometimes wonder if I was his compromise and I still up this day ask myself did I compromise on my type messing around with him? That needless to say ended nearly as fast as it began, the sex was good though. Oh well. Fast forward to today waking up alone, I think about where I would be had I not placed restrictions on who I would or could date.

Of all the men I've dated. Only two of tem were something to look at. Angel and John. My reasons for dating the other men that has entered my life were because they actually treated me like they wanted me around and not like I was some extra in a movie scene. When I dated even overweight dudes in whom I may never be sexually attracted to, I never worried about feeling cheap, unwanted or disrespected. In fact, they treated me like Gold. I've dated plenty of guys that I knew deep down inside were not attractive but because I enjoyed their company and they enjoyed mine there was a mutual feeling of something there . I don't know where my next boyfriend is going to come from but I hope it's better than what I've ended up with these past few years. The most I can ask for is to be happy with someone that stimulates me mentally, physically, sexually and spiritually and that alone even if you take away the "type" of guy I'm into is so hard to find.